Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.


One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.


My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.


The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.


Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.


I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.


Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!


Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.


The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.